ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
my liver is dry heaving
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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