Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
