Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
