I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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