I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
