his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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