i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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