you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
