Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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