My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
