Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
