im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
