there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
