Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My bed smells like the plague
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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