Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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