lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
