That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Randomize
