You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
