Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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