Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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