Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
