The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
