im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
