Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
