some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
