Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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