He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
