I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
