I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
