I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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