Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
