Umm I'm too high to move.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you had me at cake vodka
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
