cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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