ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
