I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
