Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
