dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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