just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
