Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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