on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
