6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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