i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
