I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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