fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
