i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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