Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
