if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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