She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
