My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
