I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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